She is always right by our side

November 24th, 2005

I know the thought of being 60 makes your stomach turn, and you don't want to acknowledge that the day even exists, but as you know too well, not everyone gets to live to be 60. So, in honor of those who are not able to reach our age, whatever age that may be, we must celebrate. They would want nothing else.

With that said, for your Birthday I have printed two series of photographs for you.

The first is a set of three photographs from your wedding. I recently found the negatives in your chest. The photos were taken by Peter Crabtree. I printed two of mom. One that shows her smile and lighthearted approach to life and the other shows her constant beauty and intelligence. The third picture is of the two of you, because after all, you are the fabulous man that she married.

We all know that you miss mom dearly and will never forget her. Although we can't bring her back, I hope these photos give you a bit of comfort. The printing process was extremely rewarding. I even found myself having little chats with her. For example, when I was printing the picture of the two of you, she told me how unfortunate it was that you had lost so much hair. GOTCHA!!! No really though, she will talk to you. Just think hard enough, and she is always right by our side.

The second series of photos are from my time in the Middle East. I wanted to go to Israel because mom devoted a fair amount of her life to the Middle East and I wanted to try to further understand why it was so important to her. My time there was precious, thought provoking, tense and stressful all at the same time. I took more photos than I ever have in my life. I chose seven photos for you and printed them. They are titled Striking Land and Passionate People. I tried to convey the connection people make to the land of Israel and Palestine. After speaking to people, observing for 4 months and thinking on my own, I understand  many of the troubles, conflicts and sacrifices that will have to come in order for peace to be a reality.

Happy Birthday Daddy! I LOVE YOU!

Love, Shira

Are you up there together?

A friend recently asked me if I think about my parents being together again.

When my father first passed, it gave me peace to know my mother was waiting for him but I honestly hadn't thought about it in a while so I replied, "not really."

But, then I thought about it for another 30 seconds, and replied, I was sure my dad was still working his heart out with my mother yelling at him, stating, " Rolf, you died. You can't work anymore! The girls are going to be OK. You have to let go and try to relax."

Calling Hospice

Dad was resting in his chair. I went in looking for speakers and found him passed out. “Daddy, daddy.” I said shaking him. Black death like smelling discharge started flowing out of his mouth. I thought he was dead.  I screamed at the top of my lungs. My little sister Tava came in and I ordered her to go get help. She ran out of our apartment screaming louder than I have ever heard anyone scream. 

Dad woke up about 30 seconds after the black tar incident. He managed to walk from his chair to the couch in the den but from there couldn’t move and started screaming in pain. Although he never admitted to dying, the pain was so bad he was screaming and asking that we make it all end. 

I called his Dr. to request morphine. We were fortunate and had a Dr. that would make house calls 24/7. She came with emergency morphine and convinced Dad to start hospice. Not a conversation we were able to have with our father who wouldn't admit to dying. 

I followed up and we would meet our hospice nurse and psychologist the next day. 

Hospice works differently in every state. In Florida they don’t provide 24 hour home care but rather make weekly visits and teach caregivers (in this case, Tava, my two aunts and I) how to administer drugs. 

They came in and prescribed morphine, medical marijuana and some other anti-anxiety medications. 

The meds were way too much to track in one's head. I made a large chart of the different drugs, how often they needed to be or could be administered and which drugs helped with pain, anxiety and diet. There it was, instructions on how to help our dad pass without pain displayed on the living room wall. 

I hadn’t been sleeping well, but I stopped sleeping during the night that day. For the next week, I would spend the evenings on the couch outside my father's bedroom jumping up at any sign of movement. I wasn’t ready for my dad to go and I wasn't going to let him die in pain under my watch. 

The  Robert Munsch book; Love You Forever, that my parents used to read to my sister and I suddenly took new meaning. 

The life cycle had gone full circle and my little sister and I were helping our beloved father die with as little pain as possible, something, that in this day and age is a fortunate thing to be able to do. 

After a week we bought a baby monitor and dad promised to call for help if he was in pain.

“Softly she sings to him:

"I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be." - Love you Forever: Robert Munsch